Well its been a few weeks since Dad passed, not without incident either!! mostly due to my Mum and Brother who are more emotional than i am i guess.. I feel the loss but its mostly numb rather than tears etc, although i was close to my father his physical presence in my life was reduced as i got older; mainly meals and a cup of tea etc which i presume is the norm. He was a wonderful father, and i count myself very lucky to be his son.

Other news concerns my move to accountancy which i have no end of issues with, the course starts Tuesday and i am ready willing and able; thing is i have a job interview which i must go to on Tuesday afternoon its only part-time but it might be i can get them to fit it around the course.

We will see, most of the class apear to be kids and dubious types; i am nearly constantly wondering what i am doing but i must stay strong its only six months or so..

HIPS has been done and my house will be officially on sale this week..

27th August

My dad died nearly a month ago, despite good statistics he was simply too ill to recover from the operation; its been difficult as my brother and my mum have gone nuts. Griefs a funny thing and not in the 'ha ha' sense, it affects us all differently i accepted that Dad might pass a few years ago so in a strange way i was strengthened against this happening. David who acts like macho man went to pieces as did my mum, things got worse when his girlfriend started acting out and led to them splitting up which we did not need.

I am not sure why and what i am typing here, so far its been a 'shit' summer okay i finally got my masters but i am single, looking to sell my house and move home, have no job a uncertain future and i lost my dad.

fuck you very much god..

Just back from the gym, not as committed today some days are better than others i guess.. I think if i have an issue with the place is the cliental, who are generally your classic muscle heads Americans call them Jocks; suppose its a breeding ground!! :(

Sunday

..............

Sitting watching Salems Lot, the 1970's version its funny as a boy it used to put the shits up me.. much of what scares me as a kid now acts as entertainment for me.. well with the exception of a Space 1999 episode which still creeps me out..

Depression is a bit heavy this morning, whether its loneliness or anxiety i could not really say hopefully with some exercise later it should disapate.

18 july 2009

Well its Saturday!! big deal.. when you have been off work for a while weekends tend to blend together, what it generally means is your friends might be available for a pint. As a personal guideline i don't drink midweek, viewing it as a bad habit and something which could escalate if unchecked.

Thinking a lot of things people have said to me lately, most of which is just jealous crap and simply unfounded; trouble is my depression and lack of work tends to support these notion when the reality of the system is clearly different. A recent job interview which i did not get produced a surprise in the organisation, offered to provide a character reference for me; acknowleding my difficulties in returning to work. I have on with the NHS in a couple of weeks, if i do the research it could be a winner! fingers crossed..

My dads operation is fast comming up, we all know it.. my brothers taking my parents to lunch tommorow with his girlfriend, i tend to view this as political as they can be scheming buggers at the best of times. -Whatever- i was going to go to the gym instead, maybe take Oscar out in the afternoon for a walk..

Feels like i am waiting, but it always feels that way.

Friends

I have noticed lately that i am reluctant to make new friends, or even try!! I mean i am 38 now and the prospect of meeting new people specifically male friends makes me extremely uncomfortable, twice today whilst at the CAB i have been chating with people and got into a rythm but inside i wanted to make excuses and walk away. I didn't but.. why am i like that? i guess it might be one of those 'comfort zone' things..

Oh well i guess i need to work on it, but its like when people are talking too me part of me wants to look out the window!! i don't and actively engage in the conversation but its not something i like.

1607

Well its been a day since my graduation, it went well no significant problems this time around. The next few weeks promise to be momentus, my Dad is going in to hospital for heart surgery the statisitics are good and fingers crossed he should be okay; but well you fill in the blanks right?.. Lately i have been thinking about dying, not in a goth way just with all this pig flu shit out there it makes you think or not.

Lifes getting a bit too real lately.

Dear blog,
Well after an extended stay i managed to return Oscar to my parents, while i love the little bastard he is needy and can grate my nerves with his insesent barking! Anyhow my folks came home from Cornwall and everything is back to normal, whatever that is?

My Dad is ill, he has a heart condition which requires surgery at the moment we dont know whether his doctor will perform it or not; to say things are tense is a bit of an understatement. I deal with most things by compartmentalising them, okay he is ill he might die even; i accept the reality of this and i think have come to terms with it but we are not there yet thankfully.

I've noticed this before with my behaviour when i get stressed i fixate on something or someone trivial, my mums pushing me to be a teacher which would no doubt eventually push me to jump off Runcorn bridge; i am attributing this to her stress reactions (probably where i get it from).

I use to feel lonely now i dont really feel anything, it bothers me that i am so used to my own company i think i would be scared of letting someone in; feels like an empty warehouse inside. I have friends but they are more peripheral, background even i don't know them and find little in common with them other than drinking larger (perhaps i am missing the point here?).

Jobwise there has been little available, feel like i have missed the boat or rather it did not stop at my port for me. I am considering studying accountancy, its a constant profession and i am confident i can do it; i have an interview in a couple of weeks hopefully it will work out. I dont see many other options for me, except teaching..

180209

Once again i have just ducked out on two door to door salesmen, whether they were selling double glazing looking for charity, sponsorship of just recruiting for a cult remains a mystery and one i could do without today.

This is my first foray into blog writing, though many people have suggested i try it as a form of self expression